Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Bronx Exterminator (1984)

What the fuck is this movie? The version I saw, The Bronx Exterminator, has totally different voiced-over dialogue and some quite different scenes than The Final Exterminator, as well as an entirely different plot, but damned if it doesn't have all the same actors and only gets credited as The Final Exterminator on imdb. So, who knows what this thing is! Here goes:

Now available in many a cheap DVD for sale at the finest gas stations, Bronx Executioner is yet another of those ridiculous Italian exploitation knock offs that we love so much here. In this case, it’s your basic post-apocalyptic crapola with a large dollop of Terminator on top.

As with so many Italian exploitation flicks of the era, the movie inexplicably starts in New York City where a new rookie cop Tremes is about to head into the wasteland of the Bronx to try and keep the humans and cyborgs from killing each other. His supervisor, played by exploitationer stalwart Woody Strode, explains that the cyborgs were defective models that have been left alive thanks to those damned politicians that screw things up in nearly every action flick. Left alive, the Bronx is now a cyborg reservation and the humans who live there fight the cyborgs regularly. The Bronx also, inexplicably, resembles the Italian countryside.

The head of the androids is Margie, a stock hot chick who wears revealing red leather outfits and says things like: “I only love death. Other people’s death, naturally”. Try putting that on a Hallmark card! There’s a big android dummy named Shark who is in love with her. And the humanoids are led by Dakar, another big dummy who emotes through Shakespearean lines like: “I’m gonna kill Margie. All my people are going to be killed. She’s a murderer. And she just hates us so damn much. Why?” The eternal question.

After a training montage in which Woody Strode basically beats up the kid and acts like a dick, he’s made the new sheriff in town. After this, Strode is out of the movie to bask in the glow of a job well done over probably two days of shooting. Dakar is searching for a girl who may or may not have died in the White Cliffs Massacre, a battle in which a bunch of Italians threw themselves down a hill while pretending to be shot. This gives Dakar some depth, or something, but she’s soon caught by the androids and suffers one of those exploitation flick rapes in which her shirt is ripped open and her tits exposed, but nobody’s pants come off before being shot.

After fighting in an old factory- because the Bronx before the apocalypse was full of factories, our heroes have to storm the android base- which looks exactly like an Italian villa- seriously, did the Italians just not know that the Bronx after the apocalypse would likely not come out looking exactly like southern Italy? Here, Margie hangs out watching the video of the girl getting raped and wanders around naked or in a sheer negligee, so there's a dollop of pointless sleaze to keep us from falling asleep.

Finally, at the end, we see a cyborg get his head knocked off, which is the only time that the cyborg plot makes any difference. In general, there is a shitload of amateur stunt scenes, not a lot of gore, and a tiny bit of sleaze. Probably best viewed drunk.

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