Bad Biology (2008)

After you’ve seen a few films in his twisted oeuvre, you start t to notices that Frank Henenotter loves stories about young men trying to do the right thing while struggling with their misshapen monstrous id. In Basket Case, the hero tried to control the murderous impulses of his deformed Siamese twin who he carried around in a basket. In Brain Damage, it was a hallucinogenic-drug injecting parasite that, unfortunately, had to be fed brains to survive. In Bad Biology, he finally puts on screen what he was getting at all this time- a young man struggling to control the urges of his enormous, deformed, heroin-addicted dick. Actually, just typing that line reminds me why I missed Henenlotter’s mad movies!

Luckily, the young man, named Batz and played by Anthony Sneed, is not alone in this world. There’s a young lady out there who is perfect for him- Jennifer as played by Charlee Danielson, a young lady with at least seven clits and a ravenous sex drive that causes her to kill many of her sex partners and give birth to their hideous offspring about an hour later. These two really are the Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks of mutant genitals. So, certainly we know they will meet up and have sex together, but watching them get there is the real story, just like in any romantic comedy. It’s not likely, though, that they will ultimately “meet cute”, or do much of anything cutely.

Here’s what I love about Henenlotter- when he and rapper R.A. the Rugged Man decided to create an independent horror film, they took the independent status as a challenge to make the sort of movie that nobody else in their right minds was going to make. A film whose first line is, “I was born with seven clits”, should not follow that up by wimping out, and Bad Biology gleefully shoots its wad way over the line of “appropriate content” into a place in which a run-amok drug addicted penis is having its way with nubile women all over Staten Island. There is no way you can show this film to your older relative, or your sane friends.

But it’s competently made and shot in glorious 35 mm, as opposed to that horrid digital video that’s all the rage now; it looks like a friggin movie. Some reviewers have criticized the acting, and not everyone pulls it off, but Danielson does a fine, fearless job as the main character, and it’s not like these lines are easy to deliver. I was annoyed, personally, by some of the cheesy CG, which you might notice I’m sick of; but it’s used sparingly. I do wish the characters had hooked up earlier, although that would have blown the really sick “money shot” earlier and left them nowhere else to go. Finally, I love the fact that this totally offensive movie sneaks in a message about female sexual liberation. And it’s hard not to love a film that, if the director was never birthed, would never exist in any form.

Frank, we missed you!

George A Romero's Survival Of The Dead Trailer

Survival of the Dead (2010)

The fanboys have been criticizing George Romero since he returned to zombie films with Land of the Dead, so I took it with a grain of salt when I heard them bitching about this one, the most recent zombie film from the man who largely created the genre with Night of the Living Dead.* Good thing too because the critics are wrong- this one's a keeper.

You know the Romero formula- unlike the old Voodoo Zombie movies, his ghouls are more like a plague of some sort- a public health crisis. Here, there's an island filled with humans and the hope of security. Alas, humans always fuck it up for themselves in Romero's films. In this case, two warring families with an age-old grudge can't agree on whether to shoot all the living dead in the heads or keep them around and try to live with them. All hell breaks loose in the last reel, as it always does in these movies.

Romero injects social criticism into most of his movies, and in Survival of the Dead, he's depicting the small minds of small towns and their endless grudges. For me, Romero is best when his critiques come in the form of parables- as in Survival of the Dead or his earlier Season of the Witch- than they do when he takes an action story and tries to shoehorn in commentary- as in Diary of the Dead. Because he's working in the parable mode in Survival, he can develop a fully fleshed-out story with compelling characters. Even though his dialogue is still clunky, this movie feels literary, or at least Stephen King level literary.

So there are compelling characters, a darkly funny parable, and plenty of zombies being shot in the head or eating each other. It's nothing great- and not really on the level of Dawn of the Dead- but, seriously, it's enough for me!

*(There were zombie films before Night, but Romero updated the concept greatly by treating the zombies as a public health issue/outbreak scenario; just like he updated vampires with Martin and witches with Season of the Witch. In this case, everyone has ripped of Night of the Living Dead.)

Postscript: One criticism- directors, please stop with all the CG- it looks fake and cartoony.

Van Nuys Blvd. (1979) trailer

Van Nuys Blvd. (1979)

Bobby loves his van. He has big dreams of leaving his boring small town and racing that van on Van Nuys Boulevard, dreams that probably indicate this is a 70s movie, since nowadays it’s mostly middle-aged moms who love their vans. The small-town kid with big city dreams is also a staple of 70s films, although in this case, Bobby is hoping to ditch a hot blonde who gets naked and wants to have sex with him when he’d rather drink beer and watch television news reports about cars. Bobby is kind of a douche.

The Van Nuys Boulevard strip was known for the customized car enthusiasts who would cruise on weekends and this film is a tribute to them in the style of American Graffiti. Actually, very much in the style of American Graffiti; the car-nut character “the Chooch” in this one seems straight out of that film. Then you have the young redheaded boy pining for a cute girl he saw in a dream, who seems like a low-rent Ron Howard (well, other than Clint Howard). Finally, you have Wanda the carhop who is really cute and has casual foodie smosh sex with Bobby when he orders a burger just because she can. I really like her moxie. Bobby quickly loses interest in Wanda in order to compete angrily with Moon, a blonde who maybe he really loves, but can’t get over his competitive streak. Moon is, I think, supposed to be a 70s feminist. Bobby, again, is kind of a douche.

Van Nuys Blvd is a teenage farce that suffers from not being particularly funny. It features two interesting characters- Wanda and the Chooch- and four less-interesting ones doing fun teenager activities, like go-karts, rollercoasters, discos, drag racing, table hockey and fucking. It is not a good film, per se, but it does serve to remind old timers like myself that things like hamburgers, California beaches, hot rods, dancing and sexually liberated women are unquestionably good things. So, for that, let’s be thankful.

The Babysitter (1969)

Movies like this one easily get labeled “male sexual fantasies”, and it’s not as if that’s an unfair assessment- after all, this is the story of a hot young girl who screws the middle aged father of the family for whom she’s a babysitter, who in reality she’d likely have no interest in, and he’d likely have prostate problems anyway; and the old fart screwing the hot young girl wrote and produced the film. Okay, actually, it’s exactly like a male sexual fantasy! On the other hand, how about those romantic comedies in which a neurotic, asexual, irritating twit finds a hunk who willingly sacrifices any hope of future happiness to, instead, spend the rest of his life putting up with the sort of behavior that white, wealthy westerners call “quirky” and the rest of the world calls “entitled”? You see anyone calling Julie & Julia a “female sexual fantasy”?

The Babysitter was put out by Crown International, who specialized in drive in exploitation fare. Luckily for them, a story about a turned-on, groovy, love generation, far out, way out, hip etc etc slut having sex with an older dude was not exactly anathema to the drive in crowd. An obvious influence here was Lolita and what really saves The Babysitter is that Patricia Wymer in the title role really is very fuckworthy: likeable, cute, and endearing as she delivers ridiculous dialogue like “If you want me, then take me.” The old fart, played by George E. Carey, is a district attorney in a chilly marriage with a lesbian daughter and a baby girl who everyone forgets about after the first scene. A subplot involves a drugged out biker chick trying to blackmail him in order to get her beau out of jail, which gives the director (Tom Laughlin! That’s right- Billy Jack himself) a chance to film the lesbo daughter screwing her hot friend in the family steam room. Yes, the family has a steam room.

Meanwhile, the groovy slut has proven herself to be not such a great babysitter by inviting over an acid rock band- The Food (really, that's their name. The name of their side project band is The Beverages)- to play in the basement while her cute friends dance around naked, instead of actually watching the baby. Dad decides he's okay with that and she, in turn, decides to teach the dad about the turned-on, way out love generation by screwing him. They have a love affair and after that ends, the babysitter beats up Dad's blackmailer with some friends. Meanwhile, his boss and wife find out about the affair with the babysitter and both decide that they're okay with it. A man's got to do what a man's got to do. And besides, his wife needs to be nicer to him.

So, like I said, a bit of a male fantasy, but plenty of entertainment value (i.e. nudity).

Piranha (2010)

Okay, let’s clear this up: Jaws (1975) was a big budget major studio version of a Roger Corman Beast at the Beach B-Movie; it made a lot of money, so in response, Corman produced Piranha (1978), a low-budget Jaws rip-off that was more entertaining than it ever deserved to be thanks to director Joe Dante; and now, we have a big-budget major studio remake of Piranha that will, inevitably, be ripped off by Roger Corman for the Sci-Fi network. It’s the cinematic cycle of life my friends.

The tag line for this movie should be the Pieces classic: “It’s exactly what you think it is.” The scenario is dumb beyond belief- Mesozoic era piranha that survived under the earth in a subterranean lake surviving through cannibalism- yes- for millions of years. How did they manage that? I have no idea? Why do various characters in the movie disappear for no apparent reason? No idea there either. How do our heroes get dragged underwater through rocky shoals via powerboat without dying slightly? No clue.

But you go to see these films for gore and nudity, and the film delivers a ton of both. The third-act massacre is one of the bloodiest things I’ve seen outside of war films. The director has compared it to Girls Gone Wild meets Saving Private Ryan, and that’s about accurate. Dozens of idiotic partying half-naked teenagers go from drunken to eaten in about twenty minutes. Eli Roth shows up and plays a douchebag- really most of the kids in these movies are like the “bad guy” in wrestling- they show up, annoy the shit out of the audience, and get triumphantly massacred. It’s a formula that works.

And, goodness, do they get massacred! The levels of nudity and gore in the film make me wonder if the MPAA was given blow before rating it. I can’t tell you if it’s better in 3-D. I hate 3-D and saw it in 2-D because this was the format playing at our drive-in. This is the sort of movie you should see at a drive-in.